Trust, submission and obedience

Before I submit this blog, I must let people know that I have decided on a recurring theme in my blogs, or three main, connected themes, really: submission, obedience, and trust.  (A side note: by submission, I mean the submission of old self (habits, sins, ways of thinking, focus, worries, etc.)

The main reason for this is that I am a new believer and very young in my faith.  In fact, I decided to get baptized June 3rd and will be just newly baptized as I set out to my mission.  A lot of “tasks” come with this new faith.

The most ginormous one (it does not justify it to call it “big”) is TRUST: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” — Proverbs 3:5-6

As a former anorexic, a control freak, a skeptic, and a woman (that was sort of–sort of–meant as a joke), this is especially difficult for me.  Add that to the fact that I wasn’t exactly raised in the word of God (my dad frequently roasts “Christians and Bible thumpers”).  By circumstance–by where I let the world put me, rather–I wouldn’t trust God.  Why should I, right?  He doesn’t come out and say it, “This is what I want you to do, Jill.”  I never felt this conviction in my life, that “God wants me to do x thing or go to y place.” 

I let that rule me for the longest while.  I let it keep me from developing a faith, actually.  Every time there was an objection to believing that Jesus is my savior, that He died and took the spiritual punishment for me, and that there was no other way to be saved from this gaping wide hole in my heart and in my life–I gave it justice by consenting to it in some way.  I sought God for the longest while, but never trusted that if I just LET IT GO–my sins, my worries, my future, my sadness–and gave it to him, he would take me in, would relieve my doubts about him, and would permeate my life. 

When I finally did that admittance, after the better side of a decade of inner struggle…he did just that.  But, as patience goes with trust, he showed me little by little.  Through the heart.

I started to feel more and more fulfilled every time I went to church.  Every time I actually bothered to read the Bible (something I am now doing every day).  When I listened to people wax eloquent about their ideas on life, spirituality, sex, love, whatever, I felt sad.  Something about them sounded so empty.  Yeah, they didn’t sound simplistic and dogmatic like Christians sounded to me before–they sounded like
I did before–but they just sounded so lost, so sad.  I have felt the Holy Spirit speak to me on many different ocassions since then, where I did (and didn’t) obey him. 

However, trusting God’s character and provision comes to me in different forms.  Where I didn’t  trust his deliverance and salvation before, I trust it now.  That goes the same for the unsaid future.  I know God will provide this awesome future for me.  Even if that future means I die in a car wreck tomorrow on my way out to give a teacher a support letter.  I know that He is in control and seeks after my heart, and is in love with me, in the way only Jesus can manifest.  I know that seeking the approval of a man, something I have done since I was little with my own father, brings me empty joy compared to the pat on the back and the spiritual hug I get from Jesus when the world tells me I am not good enough.

But there is a difference between knowing and believing.  Knowledge is the recognition of fact, whereas belief, as I learned recently in Bible study, requires action and obedience.

There’s that word again.  Obedience. 

I can trust all I want that the Lord will provide a good future for me, but what about the A to B?  The journey requires obedience in trust, trust and obedience, and submission of my worries and current sins to God.

I realize that sounds like a messy tautology.  But I think of it this way: trust is relying fully on God, submitting my worries to Him.  In turn, I cannot get closer to God if I cannot trust that the things I do that replace Him in my life (worry, stress, overeating and emotional eating, lack of time spent in the word) are outdone by Him alone.  In other words, total submission of my worldly lusts brings me to trust him to be my all.  That submission requires an act of obedience: actively submitting said addictions, worries, etc., and often practically applying them. 

In my life, that can be pointed out in several specific areas.  Procrastination, for example, breeds stress and worry.  Simple.  Write it down, pray about it, do the necessary tasks to take care of it.  If a lot of waiting is involved, give up the worry to the Lord. 

But this week, I finally began my fencing match with the biggest issue of all: my appearance, its connection to food, and the way I use food in my life.

Wait, let me freeze frame for a second…I am LUCKY to be fortunate enough to have this superficial issue on my mind, along with paying rent and where I will go to grad school.  The place I am going to has thousands of individuals who worry about IF they will eat, not WHAT. 

I am currently reading this book by a Christian author that has the appearance of a diet book on the outside: a very tasty looking ice cream cone, and the title, “Love to Eat, Hate to Eat: Breaking the Bondage of Destructive Eating Habits.”  Yes, it teaches about balance, not making food your obsession, yadda yadda, but the one thing Elyse Fitzpatrick, the author, wrote in her book that has struck me deeply so far is this: “If you are hungry and thirsty for anything but Him, you will never be satisfied.  But if you desire Him, you will be supremely happy because you will find satisfaction!” (77).

And there it is: I must submit to the Lord my earthly desires, because they fade and will not satisfy, and trust, honor and obey Him in all I do.  Trust that he’ll provide for the mission, trust that I will be healthy, trust that he will show me what to do, everyday, to glorify Him.  Honor him by making sure that the actions I commit are not for my sake but for His.

That’s a big goal this week.  I’ll let you know how that’s going.  Until then, bless you all!  God speed and may your week be filled with excellent revelations.

Jill