It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Let me begin this blog by apologizing for the multiple times I have promised insightful blogs on a multitude of things.  I have promised “more on that later” for a number of things that have never come to fruition, and for that I not only feel absent-minded, but foolish.  Time is never on my side when it comes to keeping in touch via the Internet (and when we get blog access, sometimes it does not work).  Please accept my sincere apologies and my lack of blogs in the past month in general.  I will try to touch on something that I mentioned a few months earlier. 

I have attempted to set up an e-mail that will update you all more on the activities that I am doing here.  God willing, it should get sent out in a couple of weeks.  I have to have my mom forward it to me (thanks for your help, Mom!).  When I figure out a system where I can put mass pictures on this blog, you shall see those too.  That might not happen until May, since those pictures are on CDs and my adaptor for my digital camera wasn’t working earlier. 

In short, technology and time are not cooperating with me.  Neither are schedules.  I hope you all will forgive me and understand.  E-mails, letters and everything else sent to me are always lovingly appreciated, even if I don’t respond right away.  I only use the Internet for an hour a week.

That long (possibly unnecessary) apology said, I will slap on the table one thing that I have learned this year, so far (most likely some will come later, but that’s not a promise).

Unbeknownst to my erred human thought, I have an issue with pride.

Let me expound on that a little.  Many folks would not assume that a (recovered) anorexic would have issues with pride or vanity.  You know, they’re always looking down on themselves.  They think they’re never going to reach a point of satisfaction with their appearance, or with who they are. 

When a recovered anorexic gets a reality check and decides to change (me in January 2000), but does so without seeking God, a few things can happen.  She can rely on her own willpower to get better, and the new confidence that she eventually gains can turn to vanity.  Yes, confidence is great.  But Satan, that jerk, will take anything good and twist it.  In my case, the gratitude for who I am in God has been a prime target for Satan to turn into pride in the form of vanity.  He wants me to think about me, me, me, all the time.  The vanity that caused my anorexia, in part, in the first place.  Me, me, me, was a way to escape pain.

I was stuck on me, me, me, (that’s an ugly riff) for a while when I first got down here.  I started feeling that I was not accepted, that I was the one that everyone is stuck living with, the odd duck.  I actually took pride in that.  It meant I was special.  It embarrasses me to say this, but I think my being different almost made me feel better than everyone on a certain plain. 

Disgusting, isn’t it?  My discipler Rita (our cook…she is so awesome) pointed that out to me (well, she said some different words in Spanish, but I came to my own conclusions as well).   

Vanity is an ugly thing, an offspring of pride, actually, which caused the fall in the first place for all humanity. Vanity goes hand-in-hand with pride and self-absorption.

You don’t have to be a braggart to be vain.  You can think you’re the biggest loser in the world.  The important definer of vanity is that you are full of yourself…thinking about yourself all the time.  Most teens are writhe with it.  The great hope is that they grow out of it by the time they are responsible for another person’s life.  Although you wouldn’t think of it if you watched any of the prime time shows like Desperate Housewives (ick) or Grey’s Anatomy (okay, so I like that show…sue me).

God never intended for me to be this way.  There is a plethora of verses in the Bible that speak against this pride, and/or vanity in my case.   These I found on www.bible.com

In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
Psalm 10:4 NIV

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
Proverbs 11:2 NIV

When pride gets in the way, we start thinking a lot of things.  We are too good for God.  We have too many things to do today to spend time with him.  We can get by fine.  We can make x or y decision by ourselves.  We can tell when something is good or bad, that’s why we have a conscience.   We work all day, so this splurge is a treat for ourselves.  We’re too good for this or that.  We’re above that issue.  That´s not our problem.  We don’t need prayer, focus on someone else.  I say “we” because I feel it’s safe to assume that there is another person out there besides me that struggles with these things. 

Humility is the cure for this.  Where do we find the most humble example in history?  Jesus (duh).  He was God’s son.  He had every right to put himself before others, to remind people what he did for them, to smack people upside the head when they were being stupid, to whine and moan at the fact that he had to end his young, thirty-something life and popularity with a humiliating and painful death next to two depraved individuals.  Oh, and he loves the people that curse him.  A lot.

I pray for wisdom and humility for myself.  But also for you all. 

Because it’s not about me.